Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children because they:
1. Animal Humor. Cat and dog jokes. Funny dog quotes Eat less.
2. Usually come when called.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Don’t ask for money all the time.
5. Don’t drink or smoke.
6. Don’t hang out with friends who use drugs.
7. Never ask to drive the car.
8. Don’t have to have the latest fashions.
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes.
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
Son: “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
Mother: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
Son: “Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers too hate me”
Mother: “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
Son: “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
Mother: “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.
The only assured gift that every one of us gets on our birthday is another year.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered. ‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. .
.’ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.
‘But that’s lovely,’ said the old lady. ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Because I’m lost!’

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.I told my computer that today is my birthday,and it said that I needed an upgrade.

BoyFriend: Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

BoyFriend: Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

Man l: “I got my wife a VCP for her birthday”
Man 2: “Don’t you mean a VCR?”
Man 1: “No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!”

Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?
Harry: Sure. It’s a great present but I just can’t find the words to thank you enough.

“I’m giving a ‘surprised’ birthday party for you.”
“A ‘surprised’. birthday party? What’s that?”
“That’s where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I’ll be surprised!”

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.
Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I’ll never part with it!

Q. Why was the stationmaster’s son having a cake on a train seat?
A. It was his berth-day.

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later:
“Da-ad…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later… “Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Son: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Father: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Son: Well, you could try.

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a BIG cricket fan.
She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re cricket fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they’re cricket fans too, except ONE kid, …named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, “Josh, you’re not a cricket fan?”
He says, “Nope, Im a hockey fan!”
She says, “Well why are you a Hockey fan and not a cricket fan?”
Josh says, “Well, my mom is a hockey fan, and my dad is a hockey fan, so I’m a hockey fan.”
The teacher’s not real happy. She’s a little hot under the collar. She says, “Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!”
Josh replies, “Then I’d be a cricket fan!”

A lady arrived at the Chennai airport after spending 36 hours in transit. She was fully exhausted after such a long trip with her 6 young kids.
Collecting many suitcases, the family entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and this luggage belong to you?”
“Yes, sir,” the lady said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”
The customs agent began his interrogation “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”
“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman.
“The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We’re so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let’s discuss it. (I need your help. I’ve screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It’s so tied up in red tape that it’s completely hopeless.)
We’re trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)
We’re following the standard. (We’ve always done it this way.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We’ll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It’s boring, but it looks high tech.)
We’re preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We’ll listen, but if it disagrees with what we’ve already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
Tell us your interpretation. (Let’s hear your bull.)
We’ll look into it. (Forget it! We’ve got so many other problems already, we’ll never get to it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can’t fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we’re no likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)
I haven’t gotten your email. (It’s been days since I’ve checked my email.)

Traffic Accident
Well, Your Honor, I really didn’t mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.
I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, “I am NOT happy.”
I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, “OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?”
That’s when the fight started.

Life After Death
A boss asked one of his employees, “Do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would,” said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”

Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend’s father, “Son, can you support a family?”
“Well, no, sir,” he replied. “I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves.”

Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend’s father, “Son, can you support a family?”
“Well, no, sir,” he replied. “I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves.”

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everybody repeat after me… We are all individuals.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you think your particular troubles are too heavy and too traumatic to laugh about, remember that laughing is like changing a baby’s diaper. It doesn’t solve any problems permanently, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
- Barbara Johnson

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, “Then why did you eat him?”

There were three guys talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”.
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked.
He replied, “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

Thw boss dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone else there in your house?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the Boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” whispered the child. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: “Me.”

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

There are three kinds of people:
Those who know how to count, and those who don’t.

one day all the electrons were having a party.
Suddenly protons come and start attacking them..and then out of the blue comes a hero and saves those electrons…
The hero says my name is bond….
covalent bond!

A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.
“I am learning to drive.” was the reply.
“What? without an instructor?” exclaimed the officer.
“Oh yes,” answered the driver.”It’s a correspondence course.”

A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.
“I am learning to drive.” was the reply.
“What? without an instructor?” exclaimed the officer.
“Oh yes,” answered the driver.”It’s a correspondence course.”

At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics.
One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
“To save lives.” The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school.” replied the professor.

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.
(E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.”
The mule answered, “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.”
The dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”
The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.”
And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”
The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
“Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.”
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter, Madison, to the home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.
As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.
Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on yanking away at his mane.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”
“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

A girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

By now irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Robin came screaming out of the bathroom to tell mother he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So mother fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to mothers bathroom and came out with mothers toothbrush, held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys kneeled down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the youngest boy began praying at the top of his lungs, “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
The little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

A Little boy wrote a letter to God, asking him for $100.
He addressed to envelope “God”, put his return address on it, and dropped it in the corner mailbox.

The postmaster thought this was such a nice gesture from a young child and decided to sent this letter on to President.

President was so touched by the little boy’s sincerity that he told his secretary to send the boy $5.

Upon receiving the money, the boy wrote the following thank you letter:
“Dear God-
Thank you for the money. I noticed you sent it through Washington D.C. and of course, they have deducted $95. Love, Joey”