I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everybody repeat after me… We are all individuals.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you think your particular troubles are too heavy and too traumatic to laugh about, remember that laughing is like changing a baby’s diaper. It doesn’t solve any problems permanently, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
- Barbara Johnson


For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.